I’m sat right now at my laptop, in my bedroom, with the window open. It’s about 11pm, it’s a little cold, and I can smell the last few embers of a barbecue my neighbours had earlier this evening. And I’m feeling… normal. It feels like early-mid September, it makes me think of the upcoming spooky season, makes me think about heading into college in the crisper, cooler air, makes me think of Christmas and New Years. I feel normal.
Now, that’s a really good thing! That’s a really exciting thing for me. Because what this feeling has brought forth in me is the realisation that I wasn’t feeling normal before. Not for a long time.
For real world reasons (of course) and also for personal ones, the last two and a half or more years have not been good. Not the worst I’ve had, but still pretty damn garbage. And scary! I felt like I was losing control of my life, like I’d never get anywhere, like I couldn’t trust my friends. It was exhausting.
I’ve always loved holidays, Christmas is my absolute favourite but I love all of them, Easter, Halloween, New Years, all of it. They’ve always had such a strong vibe to me, unique to each one, and I look forward greatly to celebrating and seeing the world around me celebrate too. It’s this really vivid, happy feeling that makes me want to go listen to Christmas music in the middle of August. I just love it.
2020, 2021, and 2022 so far, I’ve not felt these things. Holidays come and go and I’ll try to do something for them because I feel I should, it’s tradition, but that strong emotion around it just seemed to have disappeared. I worried it was just part of growing up, and that I’d never feel them again.
But right now, right in this moment, as I breath in and get a waft of cold air and burnt charcoal scent, I feel it. It was such a vivid, sudden thing, it made me a bit emotional. Everything mixes together to form that feeling, the weather, the scent, the scenery, the traditions, the people I’m around, all of it.
And this represents a change in my head, I feel. Because it’s not just the holidays, it’s everything. I spent Friday night on a ridiculously long call with the Somnolians where we rambled and joked and drew together. I’ve been talking to people more via text, too. I’m drawing more, I’m daydreaming more, I’m more excited about and invested in my projects. Every part of my life is currently so much more in colour now than it was even just a few months ago.
Been talking to people in college, even! People that ask me to come with them when they head out to get lunch. Now that feels strange. A good kind of strange, though. Feels like healing, online and offline.
Not really sure where to take this ramble, or how to end it, so I guess here I’m gonna just say how much I love you guys, how thankful I am to have all of you around. Such a supportive, creative, funny bunch of lads that always inspire me want to do better. And to feel better! Be it being so hype when I’m working on something, or encouraging me to loosen up and have some fun, or being patient with me when I’m asking you to help me with my therapy homework,,,, I always know you lot will be there to raise my spirits. Thankyou kindly.
I hope that the rest of this year will treat everyone wonderfully, and I hope we have many, many fun times ahead.
It’s good to feel things again.