by jake

If you or a loved one have fallen victim to Somnolescent, call the toll-free number on your screen now. Our trained purr-fessionals are standing by.

(844) 509-1003

Available until the end of August

The Results Are In! What Did People Have To Say?

Nobody called, not even the Somnolians. National suicide prevention week.

The script, which we all came up with ideas for, is printed below for posterity. Options not followed by parenthesis would’ve taken you to voicemail.

You have reached the Somnolescent Abuse Hotline!
If you’d like to report a job mentality, press 1.
If mariteaux is being really mean and/or parroting blatant falsehoods, press 2.
If your print server has inexplicably turned off within the last 24 hours, press 3.
If you are an Art Fight volunteer and would like to receive payment, press 4. (“Get a real job.” *hang up*)
If you suspect your robe is counterfeit, press 5.
If you’d like to reschedule your CBT appointment, press 6. (“…goodbye.”)
NeoPets Metaverse Investors, please press 7. (Plays this Folding Ideas sound bite)
For assistance with your recent purchase of a Kitchen Aid appliance, press 8. (Redirects the call to a Walmart in Virginia)