Letters from Somnolescent December 31, 2021

Look to the future now,,,

by caby

It’s only just begun,,

It is currently the 31st of December, 2021, and I am deep cleaning the guinea pig cage. Right now though, I’m stuck waiting for some cage liners to finish their run in the washing machine, so I have some free time. Thought I might as well have a go at writing something for the new year while I wait. It’ll probably be pretty cluttered and messy, as I’m just thinking this out as I go, but that suits me just fine.

This year has been a strange one for me, a pretty equal mixture of good and bad in one way or another, though leaning towards good. The whole ~situation~ has weighed heavily on everyone I know, and I’m no different. It hits on multiple levels, from worrying about the future to inadvertently taking out frustration on people you care about. I’ve been wonky and depressed and distant, but at the same time, it’s the most peaceful and friendly the group has ever been, and it’s been fantastic to see.

I’ve been making steps towards true adulthood, building an audience and a means of income, as well as finally getting some help for my anxiety issues. It’s slow going, but the fact I’ve done all that in the first place is a big change. I’m getting therapy next year, and I’m hoping to continue working hard to improve as an artist and as a person.

I’ve mentioned before how I wasn’t sure what to do past the age of 18, because I wasn’t entirely expecting to reach that point. I think right now, I finally feel like I’ve truly worked past that. I knew it on a surface level some years ago, but I’ve finally started feeling it, started actually knowing what it is I want to do. Started working towards that. It feels good. Despite a few lows, I’m feeling thoroughly positive about the future. No more fear, no more paranoia, no more misery, I’m moving on, dammit.

Drama and fighting is unbelievably overrated, and it tired me out. I’d find myself anxious about everything, distrustful of any stranger coming too close, fearing that they were up to something. Not healthy, I know. But this year has been about growing past that and learning to trust again. Learning that there’s a whole lotta good out there, and most of what isn’t good is simply neutral. It’s a relief, and I’m feeling so much better for it. Hype whenever someone new joins the outpost, rather than filled with dread.

I think what I really want to do now is thank everyone who’s been a part of my life this year, thank you for all the laughs, comfort, and just plain good vibes you’ve given me, no matter how close we may be. I appreciate it all, it’s all far more than I could’ve ever dreamed of. Everyone who’s commented on my work, everyone who’s sent me a friendly message, everyone who’s been kind enough to buy a commission from me. It’s been a learning experience, and I cherish it. I’m sorry to all the people I’ve gone quiet on, I promise you you’re still in my thoughts!

Then there’s my friends. Couldn’t thank you bastards enough for being part of my life, and for being so patient with me. Everything from our goofy jokes to our long conversations to the Roblox calls, it’s all been an absolute blast, and I hope to keep you lot in my life for many, many years to come. I feel like, for the first time in a long, long time, I have a friend group. A group of people I trust and feel I can depend on, and enjoy the company of. I’m very, very glad to have you guys.

And of course, Cammy. My badger boy! It’s been a funny old year for the two of us, but I think an important one. We’ve learnt a lot, and we’ve grown closer because of it. I love our rambles, our long conversations, our shared humour and interests. It’s wonderful to see our potential, where we might be a year from now. Nearly three years now, can you believe it? I love you dearly, and I’m so proud of how far you’ve come. I can only hope you feel the same about me. u///u

I feel blessed, and I couldn’t be more grateful for everything. Happy new year, everyone!


About caby

welsh cosmic hippie sperg and cavy fan that may or may not write a new blogpost in the near future. depends on a multitude of variables...

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