by devon

Sometimes you just hit boiling point of something. Constant state of frustration made me completely resentful for a good while. I try to not mope over here and in the end I cause havoc in my real-life surroundings.

Seems that frustration came from weird state of in-between which was probably caused by me trying to cling to old bad habits and behaviours that were about to die but something caused them to relapse.

I surrounded myself still, even if trying with stuff that caused me to resent everything. Probably due to the envy or something. I was boiling inside my four walls and maybe it was the sign that something needs to finally die.

In recent time I had huge longing for walks but never really went outside after all due to being tired and trying to be productive when I’m back home. I chosen jumping into employment instantly after graduation and maybe some people will tell me that I’m wasting my life because I didn’t went to college in a big city. Some part of me that longs for this cool lifestyle I idolize and which I use to fuel worlds inside my head. When you take out romanticized view it changes completely and what I’m thinking about when I’m bad at socialising and I realize nasty side of all of this.

Maybe it should stay a fantasy, after all.

There’s another thing that bugged me constantly. Sort of comeback to bliss, ignoring all of tension which is going on. People constantly fall into being stretched which in this vicious cycle leads to more and more of anger and frustration. I just want to not give a shit about others, what they think about me and just be less self-conscious. Be nicer to everyone around and not jump into judgements in this world which abandoned understanding, emphathy (funny to say this as a sperg) and allowing people to be themselves, do what they want, to have own little space and being just doofs.

Maybe it’s misguided wistfulness but I’d be somewhat happy if internet came back to state from 1999 overnight. Somnol would still thrive, after all.

I like the conveniences of modern tech, but it lost that it was special and wasn’t center of your entire universe because you feel like you need to be someone in sea of floating garbage. Just being celebrated for some trivial thing, weird forced individuality and even just fucking arguments about who found these pictures first or originated some shitty trends to boost own ego.

No point in this. When internet is that big everyone can dig out same things and you just don’t own this. Things like made up aesthetics hold you back when you obsess over something that was just some marketing professional’s moodboard to sell some shit. The constant need to categorize everything and give them dumb names doesn’t fit so right. It runs even deeper, because you need to categorize yourself. It’s not comfortable, society is hostile to everyone who doesn’t want to fit in your current day definitions. Especially for a sperg like me, it just lead to frustration.

People complain all the time. You see girls being butthurt over other girls scalping some shitty plastic clothes from [insert decade here] which lead me to one thought. Where your own intention went? World switched to passive state. I mean, in the past if you weren’t satisfied with clothes on the market you founded your own label if you were inventive enough. People underestimate the power of own idea and pushing it but there’s another issue. Everyhting has to be big, everyone has to be famous, business has to be international, everyone needs to be rich. People had their exceptations inflated and instead of striving for earthy, normal life and building community around you of people you trust or making everything for primarily own enjoyment. What happened to people liking their jobs even? In shitty ones you still will find something you enjoy and the fact you make money is delightful.

People except and want to start instantly big now. Which is erroneous mindset. Start small and build it slowly. Don’t except making this big especially when we’re in era where everything if oversaturated.

It might also came from bringing my big pile of magazines and flipping them. First I wanted to write a piece about them just to show some people who never will care how some thing actually looked like,but why bother? No use in this. Still, shown me how much I weirdly strive for acceptance. Fuck this. I’m a doof after all, nothing has to be perfect and I just want to ramble.

I realized something else because of this – quality of everything fallen. Back then a team had a month to assemble magazine and you had to shove every cool event or newest fashions in a typical style bible, you had to go out and dig on your own. More tactile, not convenient but it’s real. Spending digital money on goods you will discard after all, chasing people in this digital realm doesn’t have humanity.

You also could ridicule them, bless letters sections and open comments.

The point where you throw this out finally and ridicule is important. I decided to ditch my source of frustration which lingered behind me for two years, despite of cutting off (and then relapsing). Coming back here to group was a sign of final cutoff which was hard, but a definitive choice that will push me forward. Bad habits stay for longer, but they will die if you fight them enough.

Now I don’t need to hoard things. I got enough of them, my brain is at point where I can make something inside it looking exactly like I want. Processed information which is re-used for something completely new. I want to make a thing myself than just blindly copy.

Lot of other changes happened too. Realizations were made. Time to keep this up. Have fun and live well, because it’s best revenge after all.

Peace out.