Letters from Somnolescent May 23, 2022

Toothpaste Review? Yes.

by caby

Asked Cammy if I could post a review for toothpaste, and he said absolutely, so here I am~

For my entire life, I have had a couple sensory issues, which is pretty typical of a sperg. One that has affected me particularly badly has been how much my body absolutely despises toothpaste. It burns my mouth and tongue, it makes me feel queasy, and it’s just generally unnaturally unpleasant for me. I brush my teeth twice a day because I know I have to, not because it’s in any way a pleasant experience. My mouth doesn’t even feel clean afterwards, it sucks.

As a kid I used strawberry toothpaste because it, while still disgusting, was much milder than the mint varieties. But they don’t make strawberry toothpaste for adults. Or bubblegum. You’re a grown up now, you will have disgusting mint toothpaste and you will like it. So from about the age of 12 onwards, I’ve just been dealing with it. Trying different brands to see if anything was bearable. I’ve even tried charcoal toothpaste. No luck.

At some point in the past few months I started looking for alternatives, seeing that I can now purchase things online and therefore have a greater range of options. At first I went looking for fruit flavoured toothpastes, but they were all either labelled as childrens toothpaste (with unnervingly atrocious reviews??), or were some sort of fruit, plus mint. So no use there.

One day though, while searching through results, I came across something interesting. A product labelled “unflavoured toothpaste”. Specifically for mouths sensitive to strong flavours?? I had to look further. Reviews seemed favourable, far moreso than the last few toothpastes I’d looked at, and it was a fair price too. I decided to go for it, and ordered a tube.

Two days later, it arrived:

Oh oraNurse, shall you be my saviour?,,

The box was kind of completely squished because the delivery driver decided to shove it through our letterbox instead of opening our porch door and placing it, but luckily the tube inside was fine.

I was admittedly nervous, seeing that if this was also disgusting to me, I’d wasted my money on something useless, but also because I didn’t really know where to look next if it went wrong. Plus I’d just simply built up a rather negative reaction to seeing toothpaste at this point, knowing how bad it tasted…

But I’m a grown up now, dammit. I took the toothpaste and my toohbrush to the bathroom sink and went through the motions. Wet the toothbrush under the tap, put some toothpaste on it, put toothbrush in mouth. Brace for burning sensation…


A very good nothing! It was almost like brushing my teeth with water, except hopefully more effective. I cannot quite describe to you how incredibly happy I am that I now have a toothpaste that doesn’t cause my gag reflex to act up. If I had to attribute a taste to it, I’d say a vague hint of baking powder. There might be a little mint? Maybe? But that might also just be my toothbrush. Either way, nothing strong enough to have any effect.

10/10, much recommended if you hate toothpaste.


About caby

welsh cosmic hippie sperg and cavy fan that may or may not write a new blogpost in the near future. depends on a multitude of variables...

4 comments on "Toothpaste Review? Yes."

  • sushi says:

    I too utterly despise mint flavored toothpaste. I’ve been using cinnamon flavor for the past few years, it’s a nice in-between where it’s not too childish but also not too… minty.

    • caby says:

      The anti-mint army grows >:3c
      Cinnamon sounds like an interesting toothpaste flavour, gosh, never tried that one before

  • dcb says:

    Powerful! Makes me curious, we’ve got some Sensodyne and that’s apparently flavorless? I should try it sometime. Loathe mint.

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