It was a while since I first wanted to write this post – though in different form, focusing mostly on my very own domain instead of everything. It meant to go on 8th of August but I couldn’t make it on time and later it just didn’t work out.
Christmas and New Year are really specific bit of every year, time where it’s just easier to reflect on things. One cycle ends and one begins again, things change and you have more cleaner outlook on things that happened that year.
2020 was somehow fine. 2021 was highly turbulent and 2022 was just coming to my senses.
After neocities I was alone, floating through internet and surrounding myself with people that didn’t actually care about. 2018 to mid 2020 is kind of a black hole in my memory, with personal problems on top it just became a blur of time. When these problems got resolved in some way I just felt to reach out again, since I just saw how Somnolescent is thriving and I just… was looking for a pernament home on the internet.
I sent first email to Cammy at 27th June 2020 which I consider a turning point. It devolved into longer conversation which shown me how alike we are – similar interests, similar thoughts. Not soon after I started frequenting Somnol’s IRC channel on slashnet until I finally got invited at 14th Novemver. It truly felt exciting!
First, I think, project I finished after joining was version 2 of matfloor.net, a layout on which I still look back fondly.
Then next year came. 2021 felt daunting from very start. I felt lost, I didn’t have time to play around with my works due to final exams and massive workload to patch my lackluster knowledge caused by not having much of school for over two years. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I couldn’t make portfolio to apply to art school on time, I ended up going to work.
Me not being decisive and tensions inside Somnol made me run away to groups I was hanging around before since I felt like it might help me. It didn’t. It just made things worse in the end. I left.
I stayed around outpost and I just had this dreadful feeling of being homeless on the internet. I tried to occupy myself with something, I finished some posts I had started and got into taking photos again. I just was here around, usually annoying again until something changed instantly.
I slowly started to show my art again and few drawings turned out to be an icebreaker.
These few doodles, alongside of posting drawings of my sona warmed up things a lot. I started to talk with everyone again, which just felt so good after so much of anger and tension.
Things were going great and in middle of January I got invited into group again. It was worth working and changing for better, it just was so nice to be around all of you again which I apperciate so damn much. I started to draw a lot, site got two new layouts in short span of time and I made devon.somnol full of crunchy illustrations.
After borb was gone, this period in general made me more creative and I just enjoyed environment where all of us are way more comfortable than we used to.
I finalized my sona’s design, I doodled cat a lot. I even draw some of my other lads for toyhouse. I bought Clip Studio and I started slowly getting into digital art (but it was hard with my old tablet). I took made graphics that I actually liked. Everything felt so good.
After that Art Fight came and it was my first proper year of which I’m satisfied a lot. I pushed my boundaries, I started to experiment and draw backgrounds. I planned my pieces, thumbnailed and referenced which put me on right track to change my habits.
After really busy July I got some rest in August. I visited my family, brought some cool photos with me. I was doodling, later I started to work on things and just since then… things stalled a lot.
Past few months were filled with frustration instead. I didn’t have much of time for my creative works, I hated my tablet, I just felt uninspired. I hope to change it soon though! I ended up destressing with lot of vidya,,,
I got a new tablet in meantime and it was definitely worth it. I can sketch, I can line finally! More pressure levels truly help since it’s more similar to traditional than my ancient tablet I bought for old setups anyway.
2022 was truly a year of growth. I’m satisfied with my progress this year despite it not being as fast as I wanted. I’m satisfied with my growth as person. I finally know I can do more things that I can despite thinking I’m not able to. I feel more comfortable.
But still, there are some issues that linger and I hope to change them finally, after realizing how much they hold me back.
I want to fix my non-existing self-esteem which affects my life the most. I can’t write or draw because I think I’m not good enough instead of just doing things. I want to finally stop annoying myself with things I hate. I want to organize my things a bit, especially ideas and set goals to make them real. I’m already way more productive than I used to be and I want to keep it up. I didn’t lost any time. I just needed to figure things out and I just need to forgive myself. If I can’t make into school I want this year, I always can try next year and go to local one in meantime. All of ideas I have can be put on paper now, it isn’t too late.
I just need to forgive myself for my mistakes and carry on. I got best environment where I can grow and I appreciate it so much. Somnol is such an integral part of my life that changed me a lot.
If not for you I just don’t know where I would be. I hope we’ll be more comfortable and we’ll have more of fun, it just was such a good year. Glad to be back, even after all of these things that happened earlier.
Thank you.
